3/26/—- lying naked on the floor in my room listening to “I’ll Be Your Inspiration.” dancing in front of the window that work to me as a mirror.  Screw clothesWithout any real relationships, I was constrained to my own sensuality and imagination.  At a certain point in my life, I began staying up or getting up again late at night to dance naked in my room to a stereo turned quiet enough so that I was the only one in the house to hear it. I would listen to techno music and gyrate as the music commanded. I would listen to the midnight radio show where the DJ answered call-in questions about sexuality. I even told one şişli escort of the boys from that chemistry class that I spent time naked on the gently sloped roof outside my bedroom window looking at the misty covered forests beyond. Some nights I simply played soft jazz ballads and lay on my bed with my imagination and my own determined hands. Inside my head was a spinning wheel of men (and very few women) that would visit my dreams.  I imagined adult versions of someone from my previous school and orchestrated in my head a hypothetical meet up after graduation.  I saw my current mecidiyeköy escort classmates in sequence, taking turns.  I would switch fingers inside of me to represent the different boys, sometimes working 2 or 3 fingers into myself at the same time. I pictured their faces above me while I did.  I relished a filthy spectacle involving myself and 5 boys from my older brother’s soccer team. I knew they still saw me as Edmund’s little sister, but the year I started thinking about sex was the year they started looking like men. I kept waking up with sore muscles when I had not done any strenuous exercise the day before. 5/08/—- My hips hurt.  It’s not really my hips that hurt it’s the muscles above my hips and around my stomach. It feels sore like I got some exercise. I mentioned this to R___ and he said “maybe you did some push-ups in your sleep.”“Right” I replied, or situps.” I remember after this conversation R___ sitting behind me in French class.  His leg was bouncing up and down under the his so rapidly and hard that I felt the vibrations against my chair. I wondered if he knew what I meant and how crazy it drove me to have that jimmy leg so close to me. Really any sort of jostling gave me a degree of pleasure.  I loved doing that to myself, and my journal continued with some of the negative effects I was noticing.