My First Time Touching A Woman – A Pathetic Moment


My First Time Touching A Woman – A Pathetic MomentMy First Time Touching A WomanNOTE: This retelling of events will not use the real names of both parties involved to secure identities. Most of what is quoted is off memory and may or may not be 100% accurate. However the main actions that occurred did, in fact, happen. Whether or not you wish to believe it is up to you, the reader. I wouldn’t make up such a “thrilling” story; especially where I don’t feel any true positives were a result from the outcome. It’s more of an somewhat anonymous confession/admittance to something that I still feel guilty of to this day. With nobody in person to tell this to (other than the other person involved), I have no one else to tell other than other anonymous people on the Internet. Also, I am not a writer of any notable caliber, so be prepared for obnoxious High School (or worse) level of writing.August 8th, 2018.It was Wednesday morning. I got home from work at 7:30 AM. Upon entering, I did what I normally do during my downtime after work; making something to eat, hopping on my computer, checking sites for content and stuff that I missed while I was at work, maybe turn on the PlayStation 4 and play something. The usual relaxing procedure for me. At around 11:00 AM or so, I got a text message from a co-worker of mine asking if I was awake as I work the graveyard shift at my job and I’m usually asleep around 12:00 PM or 1:00 PM to prepare for the graveyard shift. I’ll call her “Nicole” as I do not wish to use her real name. A little background information about Nicole. When I first started working at my job, she had been there for way longer than I have. I’m not sure for how many years, but she knew exactly how everything worked at my job. Nicole, as well as many others, had trained and helped me learn the ins and outs of the job. However, unlike the rest of the co-workers, Nicole seemed to have some kind of interest to get to know me as a person. For the first three to five months during the times when I had to work with her, she would actually ask me questions about myself. Questions of personal and non-personal inquiries like “What is your sign?”, “What do you like to eat?”, “Do you have a girlfriend?”, “What kind of music do you listen to?”, “Do you drink or smoke?” and more along those lines. She would even give me compliments on my looks and the way I smile. Nicole would even do this thing at work where she’d come up to me and just… stare at me and not say word. I’d reply back with, “What…?” beginning to get all flustered because of how I am (especially with women) and she’d just say, “Nothing”, laugh, and walk away back to her job. Because I can’t read between the lines (especially with women due to my major lack of social experience with women and with the general populous), I wasn’t too sure if she was somewhat flirting with me or not or if she was just testing in some way. But overall, I believed there was some positive camaraderie between us; nothing romantic, but somewhat as friends if not good acquaintances or at the very least good co-workers who got along OK.Interactions at work seemed normal, but it was trying to interact with her outside of work that were problematic. Seemed almost the opposite in terms of interest. She’d ignore or reply really late (days later) to my messages that I’d send her. The messages that she did send were short and not very expressive or detailed. I didn’t quite understand if it was just me or if the connection between us was an “out of sight, out of mind” kind of thing where interaction was only ever a thing at work and nothing more. But I made attempts in trying to converse because, well… she didn’t really bother outside of work. Eventually, I just gave up and left her alone in regards to contact her via text messaging…Months and months in between, we had some good and bad moments between each other, but in the end, I still think it was on a positive note. Eventually, our shifts at work changed and she began working less days and I was stuck on graveyard so the odds of us seeing each other again at work quickly diminished and interactions came to a standstill… We haven’t spoken to each other proper in two-three months since aside from me sending the work schedule by text message.Fast forward to August 8th, 2018. That text message from Nicole asking if I was awake. Practically the first time she ever messaged me in months. Out of nowhere. Completely left field. I replied back with “Yes” with the thought that maybe she wants me to cover for one of her shifts. She replies back with “Is your mother home?” So… I didn’t know what she was trying to get at. Confused, I replied back with, “No, she’s at work. Why, is something wrong?” She says, “No, nothing is wrong. I want to talk. Can I come over?”At this point, I’m freaking out, but not for the reasons one might think at first. A.) My home looks like a homeless man lives there. Dirty laundry piled up on the floor, clean clothes piled on the couch, boxes and paperwork stacked everywhere in the living room, a lot of junk just in between walkways and the such; you get the idea. It was in NO CONDITION for having any company over in an appealing way. The reason for that is because my mother and I just don’t really have the time, energy, motivation to really get the place looking respectable… But that leads to B.) I haven’t had anybody over to my home, that actually came over for my own sake, in five years since the last time I moved. And that’s because I haven’t made any friends in five years. As pathetic as that sounds, it’s the truth. I have absolutely zero in person friends, so in retrospect, why bother tiding up our home if we’re (somewhat) comfortable around it with the odds of having any guests over being 1%? C.) I haven’t had a female person over in any of the homes I’ve been in since High School Sophomore Year. That was over thirteen years ago! D.) Why all of a sudden would someone who I barely have a connection with and barely honestly know outside of work want to actually want to come over and talk to me? You can imagine how my mind was just racing with questions upon questions upon questions and my nerves rapidly getting the best of me.I asked her, “Why? Talk about what? Is everything OK?” She says, “Nothing is wrong, I just want to come over and talk. Is that OK with you?” I ask, “Can’t we talk on here or vocally over the phone?” The next message I got seemed like she was getting annoyed with my questioning. Something akin to “Look. I just wanted to come over. And talk. I thought you’d be fine with that. But nevermind.” Out of fear of not wanting to be on her bad side after all the this time not talking to her, I swallowed my pride and said, “Well, if you don’t mind my place looking like a homeless guy lives here, I guess I could have you over… The only clean parts are my room and my bathroom. It’s really embarrassing.” She said, “It’s fine. I don’t really care. I’m coming over now.” Panicking, I’m looking around my room and the hallway in between and ask, “Can you give me ten minutes first?” She agreed.In a frantic mess, I’m trying my hardest to get at least some parts of my home looking respectable. All the while I’m just trying to find a reason why she’d even want to talk to me let alone actually want to come inside my home. What the Hell could we even talk about? Is this another one of her jokes to make me feel dumb? We haven’t spoken in months and out of nowhere, she wants to come over? Why? Is she in trouble? Is that it? I’m sweating and breathing irregularly trying to maintain composure and trying my best to give a positive presentation, but it was mostly a futile effort… Eventually, she drives into my complex and I had to guide her to where I lived exactly. Before even opening my door, I’m struggling to turn the knob saying, “Are you sure… we can’t just… talk outside? My place is… not really fit for gue–” “Just open the door, Fred.” She replied sharply cutting me off. I exhaled and opened the door. Immediately regretting her seeing the poor state of my home. I tried to quickly guide her to my room hoping she’d just ignore all the mess everywhere. There we were. Inside my room. I sat on my bed and she sat on my office chair that clearly out of place in my room as the space in my room is incredibly tiny and there is no desk for the office chair to even belong to. It’s just there for when I tire of using my bed as a chair/couch at times. I had the illegal bahis TV on as a means to break any white noise or long pauses of silence between us; as a poor saftey net. Nicole is facing me and I’m perpendicular to her direction facing wall and TV. I couldn’t really look at her out of fear, excitement, anxiety, stress, embarrassment, but I could feel her gaze just locked on me as if she was analyzing me and judging me. Eventually I asked, “So… um… what exactly did you want to talk about?”I’m an complete and utter wreck at this point. I can’t face her. I’m looking around left and right with my head lowered facing a wall and the floor. I’m trying to make sense of it all. She responds with, “First of all, Fred, don’t tell anyone that I was here. Between you and me, this never happened. I was never here. Got it?” I told her I understood and nervously asked, “Why? Is something wrong?” With a hint of annoyance in her voice she says, “Nothing is wrong. You seem really worked up. Just relax.” Out of fear, I admitted to her why I was so nervous in the first place; the state of my home, not having any friends, not having guests over in years, not having a woman over after more years. “I understand. It’s fine. Just relax, OK?”, she says nonchalantly. I’m not relaxed at all and I’m struggling to come up with a topic to discuss.”So are you evading someone?” “No, I’m not.””Okay… Uh… how is your new job going?””It’s fine. I like it.””That’s… that’s good… Um… is there anything you wanted to talk about?””No, not really, but we’re talking now, right?””Y-Yeah..? I guess? Um… everything OK at home?””Fred, everything is fine. Nothing is wrong. Why can’t you relax?””You said you wanted to talk, but there isn’t really a topic being talked about, so I’m just trying to figure out why you’re here and–“”Fred, we are talking. Everything is fine.””O… Okay.”There was quite a bit of pauses of silence as I’m trying to muster the courage to calm down and figure out exactly what she wants.”Look, I’m… I’m just nervous because I… I just get really nervous around women. I’m awful around women and it always goes poorly and I make a fool out of myself. I’m not used to talking to women at all, so it’s difficult…”At this point, she gets up off of the chair and sits closely next to me to my left side. My heart begins to start beating rapidly. She doesn’t say anything to me, but I keep on stammering on about how awful I am around women while she keeps telling me to relax. At one point, she grabs my left arm and positions it behind her, so I’m supporting myself in a slight lean towards her. I was starting to panic on the uncertainty of what exactly was going on and how fast whatever was going to happen was escalating. “W-Why did you move my arm behind you?””To help you calm down. You’re freaking out over nothing.””But usually when someone does that, it’s… I mean, I can be calm! I can calm down without putting my arm like that.”I move my left arm away from her and place my hands on my lap.”See? I’m calm just like this. I’m fine…””Fred, do you trust me?””What?””Are you really that uncomfortable? I’ve only been here for fifteen minutes and you seem incredibly uncomfortable like you don’t trust me. If you want, I can just go home.”When she said this, I didn’t want to upset her. I always try to be on everyones good side; to avoid being an enemy to everyone due to how difficult it is for me to make friends. I didn’t want to waste her time and gas just to come over and leave so suddenly. I gave in to peer pressure…”I mean, I just don’t know exactly what you want, Nicole. You came over to talk and–“”We did talk, Fred. We are talking.””Yes, I understand that, but there still isn’t a solid topic of discussio–“”Oh, my God. We’re talking right now.””Right, I know, I know. But I just don’t know why you’re here…””So do you want me to leave?””N-No…””So then let me help you relax.”At this point, Nicole grabs my left arm again and places it behind her in the same position as before. There was no way this was helping me relax. Having my arm so close to a woman in that way was making me nervous and anxious. It’s the kind of position that clearly is a romantic one. I wasn’t touching her or anything, but the close proximity made it seem more suggestive.”Is that better?”, she asks me.”Y-Yeah? I guess…?”Nicole begins to reach for my right hand. She then guides my right hand towards her left breast. As I realize where my right hand is going, I am struggling to resist and pulling back.”What… what are you doing?!” I ask in a frantic panic.”I’m giving you permission. It’s OK.””Why are you making me do this?””Fred, you have my permission. You can touch me there.””No… This–this isn’t right. Why?”I pull away and free my right hand from her grip.”Fred, what’s wrong with you? I’m giving you permission to touch me.””But why?”, I ask with a slight saddened and scared tone in my voice. This isn’t what I wanted and it wasn’t how I wanted it to go. Never had I imagined that I would ever reach this point in my life, but at the same time, it’s not how I imagined it would ever turn out should I have gotten this far. I’m barely considered a friend to her and I barely know her outside of work and she’s already advancing to second base. It wasn’t right…Nicole frustratingly asks, “Are you actually going to cry?””No! I’m not crying, but I’m just incredibly confused…””If you’re this uncomfortable, I can just leave then. You really don’t want to do this? Are you that scared? Do you want me to just go!?” At this point, I can feel Nicole’s anger in her voice and her patience with me was wearing thin. Not wanting to end up on her bad side after all this, I gave in and said no…”Well, alright then. Give me your hand.”She reaches for my right hand again and guides it once more towards her left breast. I try to resist again, but I lost the will to control myself and let her place my right hand on her left breast. I turn my head away from her out of the disgust of my own action. “Why?” I quietly said to myself in a disappointed tone.”It’s fine. You have my permission. Now just move your hand around in a circle.”I did as she wanted, moving my right hand around clockwise massaging her left breast. I wasn’t directly touching her breast bare as she was still had her light jacket on, but it more or less was the same essence of feeling a natural breast. “Do you like that?”, she asked me with a sensual tone in her voice.”Y-yeah, I guess…?”, I replied back with major uncertainty towards my own feelings on the matter.My first time actually caressing a womans breast and it was both delightful and… wrong; very wrong in this context. I had so much regret if only because of the ramifications and consequences I feared from the aftermath of going through with such a decision. I knew wherever this was going, it wasn’t going to be good for the long term as co-workers or as a connection as people between us.Nicole then, in the middle of me groping her, unzips her jacket and pulls down the top of her shirt and presents an opening towards her chest. Nicole grabs my hand again and guides it inside. This time, I’m actually fondling her left breast directly with my right hand with her nipple in the palm of my hand. It was incredibly soft and warm. The feeling of skin on skin contact with my hand and her breast was something I thought I would never, ever experience in my entire lifetime. But I had such mixed feelings that I honestly wasn’t enjoying it to its fullest; constantly distracted with thoughts of excitement and confusion, lack of understanding and reason and fear of where it was going to go next, but Nicole seemed to be enjoying herself. I kept on massaging her breast and she would leave out slight, quiet moans of enjoyment. She lifted her right leg and placed it behind me, placing herself somewhat spread legged facing me while slightly leaning back all the while I kept on massaging her.”Is… Am I doing this right?”, I asked quietly in a confused and fearful tone.”You’re doing fine.”, Nicole said with a hint of lust in her voice. “Go ahead and take it out of my shirt.”She then unzips her jacket all the way and pulls away her shirt further down to expose her breast bare to me. I didn’t get a glance at her breast during that whole massaging moment until this point. She had a voluptuous E cup breasts with a beautiful medium sized, dark areola that went well with her skin complexion. Her nipple seemed erect, but normal sized for that sort illegal bahis siteleri of thing. I kept on massaging her exposed breast bare to me and my heart was racing like wildfire. Suddenly she grabbed my left hand and guided it towards her crotch area.”Rub me down there, too.”, she demanded.She led my hand towards her pussy, but she was still wearing her sport, jogging pants. I couldn’t even tell if she was wearing panties or not. The moment was incredibly brief as she made me feel her up and down on her pussy; must’ve lasted five seconds. I couldn’t really describe the feeling or even if I was actually making any sort of actual contact. I had no idea if I was even doing it right, but she still let out a sigh of relief when I did it. I pulled my left hand away from her crotch area and just focused on fondling her breast as I felt way more uncomfortable touching that area of her despite me having my hand on her bare breast. In the midst of me massaging her breast, she grabbed the back of my head and forced my face towards her exposed breast.”Please suck on it.”, she commanded as I was putting in some resistance from placing my face so close her breast. It was such a huge leap in progressional steps to me that I wanted to refuse, but she put in quite a bit of force that it began to hurt, so I gave in and my face and body leaned inward towards her. Apprehensively, I slowly edged my mouth towards her nipple. I felt so uneasy about the whole thing. It just kept accelerating further and further and I was just not prepared at all for any of this. She was leading me the whole time and I was just stuck on stupid as to follow. I placed my mouth covering her nipple and began to suck on her breast. Nicole released a sigh of relief and moved her pelvis closer to the left side of my hip. The positioning between us two was awkward. I wasn’t even fully turned her with my legs resting off the side of my bed and she was completely laying on my bed… I just kept doing what she wanted me to do… I massaged and sucked on her breast. She reeled back in pleasure and began to lay on her back. She then removed her whole shirt and exposed her other breast.She commanded to me, “Now feel the other one, too. Rub them both.” And I followed orders. I began to massage both of her breasts with my hands and switch between sucking her left breast and her right breast. As I was doing this, I’m not sure when exactly it started, but she began to slide her pelvis across my hip in an up and down motion. I believe she was stimulating her pussy in conjunction to me rubbing and sucking her breasts. I probably noticed this was going on about mid-way through this… undeserved moment. Constant moans and sighs of pleasure escaped her voice as I continued doing what she wanted.”Am I doing this right…?”, I asked in such dumbfounded tone.”Yes. You’re doing fine actually. Oh… Uuoooh. Are you sure you haven’t done this before?””Uh… Yeah… I’m an amateur.” I said in such a stupid way trying to sound cool.As I kept sucking on her breasts, there was a unique taste that was forming up, but I couldn’t tell if it was lactation or not. It might’ve just been her natural body salts and sweat taste that were building up as I kept sucking. I would put quite an amount of her breasts in my mouth and pull a bit before letting go at times, but it was mostly just rotating and massaging her breasts in both clockwise and counter-clockwise motions with my hands as she was undulating the side of my body. This continued for a good three or so minutes after my last stupid reply back to her.Suddenly, she pushed my hands away and pushed me back. I sat right up and looked at her. She stopped moving her hips and just laid on her back with her bare breasts hanging out and drooped to her sides. I could see my saliva on her right breast from where I last had my mouth on. She was breathing heavily, but looking away from me towards my closet door.”Are… are you OK?” I asked unsure of what happened. Did I mess up? Did I hurt her? I honestly didn’t know what happened… She didn’t reply back to me. I could see her eyes looking around a bit, but still focused in the general area of my closet door and still breathing heavily.”Hey… Uh, Nicole? Are you… awake…?” I honestly thought she went into some kind of sleep state or something. It was an extremely nonsensical question to ask, but I only asked to get a response back.”Nicole…?””Yeah… Yeah, I’m fine, Fred.”, she finally replied back.”I didn’t hurt you or anything, did I? Did I do something wrong?””No… No, you’re good. I’m all right.”I turned my head away from her topless body and stared back at my wall again. I felt so embarrassed, conflicted, and afraid; the aftermath that I had feared had come and I wanted to admit some things and feelings about what just transpired. I didn’t know how to put it all into words and explain how and what I felt.”You know, uh… usually, aren’t these things handled with steps and have some kind of progression leading up this sort of thing? I mean, that’s how I always thought it would go, you know? I’m… kind of old school on this mindset. And um…–” I stopped talking and glanced back at her just to see if she was OK. As soon as I saw her still exposed breasts, I turned back to the wall.Nicole spoke with regret, “I shouldn’t have done that to you, Fred. I’m sorry. Look, I should probably get going…” She got up, removed herself from my bed and put her shirt and jacket back on. Sorting herself out and fitting her clothing back on she said, “You said you’ve never done that at all with any woman and I forced you and that was wrong of me. I am sorry. I shouldn’t have done that until you felt you were ready. I don’t know what I was thinking. I’m all fucked up in the head.”I struggled to come up with reply back. “It’s… it’s OK.”It wasn’t OK. I was a mess. “You know, if you just wanted to relieve some sexual tension or something instead of luring into ‘not talking’, I would’ve understood.”I was playing it real stupid. I was trying to rationalize what just happened. Tried to play it cool and make it seem like I was honestly OK with doing perverted things naturally with other people in person when it was the complete and total opposite. I just wanted her to be honest with me. Even if she said she wanted to relieve some sexual tension, I honestly would’ve sent her home… If only she didn’t lead me on for as long as she did…”That’s not what it was.” she replied back somewhat sharply. “I don’t know why I did that like I said I’m fucked in the head. It just happened. Remember that you said you wouldn’t tell anyone I was here or what happened here, okay? And just so we’re clear, there is nothing going on with us. Just act normal at work. I don’t want you hitting on me, acting weird around me, or any of that shit. I feel nothing for you, okay?””I — uh… alright, fair enough, I suppose… But what we did–“I was cut off with her saying, “If I really felt anything for you, we would’ve fucked.””Um… well, I mean… even so, it wouldn’t have happened anyway because I don’t have any condoms. I mean, why would I have condoms. I’m not expecting that to happen in my life ever…”I felt like a huge jackass… To say such things, to admit to such a thing to my co-worker like that. I felt like a complete loser…”Right. I don’t know why I did that, but don’t think it means anything. Again I don’t feel anything for you, so I don’t want you hitting on me or trying to be all chatty with me or anything like that. Just keep it normal, okay?””Oh… Well, um… alright. But I do feel like what we just did will cause some complications in the future… I mean, all things considered–“”And I’m telling you to act like it never happened. I was never here. Don’t go mentioning this to anyone. Just go back to sending me the schedule like normal and keep it normal. OK? Look at me.”I glanced over at her with difficulty facing her. Making eye contact with people is a difficult thing for me. Doing so with women doubly or triply so.”Are we clear?” She was glaring at me somewhat.Making prolonged eye contact with her was becoming difficult, so I agreed and turned away from her back to the wall. I suddenly just started breaking down to a confession…”You know, I had never thought I’d ever get that far in my life… Ever. I was never sure how you really felt towards me at work and I could never really understand your intentions when you messed around with me. I thought we would be friends or canlı bahis siteleri something, but after this, I feel like it’ll just make things complicated and weird. And I’m sorry if I messed this up for you. I don’t have any friends at all and I thought because of what you saw in me as a person, I thought we’d be friends or something. I didn’t really want it to escalate to this sort of thing. I don’t know.””Fred. Look, I am sorry for doing that to you. I should’ve listened to you and not have gone through with that. You clearly wanted to handle that your own way. Are we cool? Do you want a hug?”I glanced over back at her. She was standing there with her hand extended out to help me stand up off of my bed that I was still sitting on.”Yeah… Okay.” I reached for her hand and she helped me stand up off my bed. I walked towards her and gave her a hug. As I hugged her, I knew I wasn’t OK. I didn’t hate her. But at the same time, I felt… awful. I felt like a monster…”So, I’m just going to go now.” she said as we pulled away from each other.”O-Okay…” I opened the door to my room and lead her out.As we’re walking back to my front door, I said something extremely stupid.”You know, uh… on the plus side, that’s the farthest that I’ll ever get in my life. So there’s… there’s that. Eheheh… heh…””Uh, right.” Nicole said and I noticed her eyes kind of roll around confirming as to what I said was extremely stupid and even a bit true.”Good-bye, Fred.” she said as she left my front door.”Uh… good-bye, Nicole…” I said meekly back and slowly closed the front door…After I locked the door, I began walking back to my room feeling so confused as to what just transpired. A flood of feelings and thoughts started to overcome me and how this would all impact the future. I started questioning everything. Why did it come to this? Why me? Why did I accept to go through with this? Should I really feel good about what I just did? What was she thinking? Does she not even like me as a friend? Am I even a friend to her anymore? Why didn’t I say no? Am I a horrible person for committing to that? What even am I to her? An object? A joke? Why didn’t she do this with someone else? With one of her better friends? What did she even see in me to act in such a way? Was there anything there in the first place?More and more I kept trying to reason with myself trying to justify and understand. Eventually, so many negative feelings and thoughts overwhelmed me and I broke down and began to weep… I should have been a stronger person. I should have refused. I shouldn’t have gave in to temptation and lust. It wasn’t the way how I wanted to handle that. I should have been more responsible. I failed my own personal code. I ruined a potential friendship. I was just a tool. She didn’t truly care for me as a person. I am nothing to her now. I am nothing in general.It took me roughly forty minutes before I stopped crying my eyes out, getting up off the floor and proceeding to just lay down in my bed trying to get myself to sleep. Trying to sleep after something like that and the revelations towards myself and how things will play out in the future was incredibly difficult. Most people would’ve seen that event as a positive with no negative connotations. They somewhat scored. They touched breasts. They felt up a woman. They possibly made a woman orgasm. Who wouldn’t think that was a major positive, right? Except she was my co-worker. She was someone clearly out of my league in terms of a intimate relationship. I never wanted it to advance in the way it did. I adored and admired her, but never wanted it to escalate in that way and even if I did, it always considered in fantasy only. I honestly thought we could be somewhat friends and have some minor relatable interests. But now… Now that’s all crumbled to dust. I went back to zero. Back to being nothing.I didn’t get many hours of sleep and work the next two days wasn’t pleasant as feelings and thoughts of being useless, weak, confused and trying to come to terms kept plaguing me. I haven’t seen Nicole at work since that moment. The work schedule changed and we were never scheduled to work on the same day in person ever again. Even at the time of this writing.I told myself to wait at least week before trying to confront Nicole about the whole thing. To try and talk to her about it and try to get some explanations, reasonings, and to clear my head. I wanted to be free of my guilt, my shame, my embarrassment, my feelings of weakness. Unfortunately, and as per usual of my life, it wasn’t going to be easy. I sent her message asking if we could talk, but she didn’t reply back that day. The next morning, she replied back only asking, “Talk about what?” as if none of what happened bothered her at all. As if she completely forgot the whole thing. I asked her if we could just talk about what happened a week ago and she told me, “What is there to talk about?” I was slowly losing myself in despair… Was all of that just nothing to her? Am I just nothing to her now? I began to beg and plead with her to at least talk about this like adults and wanting proper closure to what had happened. There was silence and it remained silent until the next day again. I messaged her with, “Okay. Well… I’ll give you a week to not think about it as I’m sure I’m being annoying bothering you about it. But I really would like some help to get over it…” All she said afterwards was, “Okay. We can talk later, but I don’t know why you’re so bothered by it.” I was speechless and simply waited the week out.The day of trying to settle the issue, the conversation was a mess. I told her why I wanted proper closure of what happened. The reasonings for why I felt like such a complete and utter failure as a person; the state of my own home, admitting some personal feelings and moods, the whole deceptive nature in her trying to “talk”, my own shame in breaking my own personal code, my own feelings of my own identity and self worth. The end result: It felt like I was talking to a wall. The times I tried to converse with her, she was either too busy at work to hold a proper conversation or she just really didn’t… understand what I was getting at all. Nicole told me, “You should be happy. You touched my boobs. That’s a great thing. I don’t know why you’re making a big deal about this.” How could she not? How could she not understand my feelings after I told and explained to her my own position on the matter? Was I truly in the wrong in feeling and reacting the way I did? One thing led to another and in the end, I told her I gave up. I gave up trying to explain to her why it mattered so much to me. I told her that she won and if she really didn’t want to, she would never have to bother with my existence again. I was devastated. I felt like garbage. I wanted to just avoid all contact with people in general and that made going to work such an awful experience for me. Every hour or so, the memory of that event would just spring to my head and I’d start tearing up and feeling so awful about myself. Even when I would lay down in my bed trying to prepare myself for sleep for work, I’d struggle and keep trying to find reasonings and explanations; why did this happen to me?It took me a month and a half before things started to seem normal again. Interacting with people wasn’t as painful and thoughts about that moment became less frequent. However, typing this again sure brought it back up, but that heavy, empty feeling I felt before isn’t as bad. I still feel awful about the whole thing… I haven’t interacted with Nicole since. I’m sure I don’t even exist in her life anymore other than being the loser who sends her the work schedule because… that’s just the position I put myself in, I guess; the guy who sends the schedule.I will not say I came off of the experience on a positive note. The whole thing was a major negative. To say that feeling up a woman due to the circumstances and calling it a positive experience is wrong. It wasn’t what I truly wanted, it wasn’t how I wanted it, and for me to give in to temptation like a weakling was wrong. Not only has it affected my self-confidence as a whole, it also warped my perspective of interacting with people in general. I feel like I can’t trust others as easily and whatever intentions they truly have. I also feel as if I can’t make friends in general either because I failed horribly trying to befriend Nicole; a person who I honestly thought had some interest in me as a person, as someone who wanted to by my friend… I feel betrayed and misguided. Maybe this is just how it should be, though. Living the lonely life of a loser who has no real worth to anyone in the world. Maybe that’s just how it is from now on…

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